One fear that many new camp parents face is the fear that their child will be miserably homesick while at camp. It’s an understandable concern, but in the vast majority of instances, children are able to manage and overcome their homesickness (and have the time of their lives!).
As child psychologist Michael Thompson notes in his book Homesick and Happy, the goal of parenting is “to raise children who become loving, productive, moral, and independent.” And how does a child learn to be independent? “Through many moments of letting go” by parents, starting with letting go of their hand as they attempt those first wobbly steps and progressing until they drop them off at college. Thompson goes on to say that “every child has to practice being independent and every parent has to practice letting his or her child be independent.”
On the long road to independence, children must experience time away from home. And one of the natural side-effects from these forays away from home is homesickness, which is characterized “by acute longing and preoccupying thoughts of home and attachment objects.” Chris Thurber, a psychologist at Phillips Exeter Academy and the leading expert on homesickness, believes that 100% of children in sleepaway camps experience at least some mild homesick feelings. But Thompson says this is to be expected: “Homesickness is not a psychiatric illness. It is not a disorder. It is the natural, inevitable consequence of leaving home.”
Since it is inevitable that your child will experience some degree of homesickness, we encourage you to learn as much as you can in advance. For your edification, we have created a series of questions and answers which will hopefully demystify homesickness and help you prepare your son for a great summer at camp.
Homesickness 101
When does homesickness occur?
In almost all instances, homesickness occurs within the first week of camp. For some boys, it occurs almost immediately (between the first and third day of camp); for others, the excitement of camp delays the onset of homesickness and the first pangs of homesickness don’t arrive till mid-week. Most campers report basically being over their homesickness by the middle of the second week.
What might amplify my son’s homesickness?
The biggest homesick multiplier is getting sick or injured. During these moments, campers are inactive and vulnerable – the perfect storm for homesickness. They pine for the comforts and familiarity of home and the care and attention of loved ones. Hearing a parent’s voice on the phone also often triggers a bout of homesickness, as it intensifies the longing for home – it is common for a boy to be humming along at camp, doing great, and then burst into tears on the phone. Letters from home can also sometimes lead to tears, but in the long run letters bring more comfort and joy than pain.
Will my son be homesick?
Yes, everyone who leaves home has pangs of homesickness, but for most campers these moments occur early in the session, are isolated events, and are mild in intensity. According to Thurber’s research, only 19% of children experience significant homesickness.
Are homesick campers sad and tearful all day long?
Very few campers are sad throughout the day. Most campers who are homesick are actually happy and having fun most of the time. Most homesick moments occur during down times, such as rest hour and before bed, when camp slows down and campers have time to think about home.
What percentage of campers leave camp early due to homesickness?
Less than 1% of campers leave camp early due to homesickness.
Assessing My Child’s Readiness for Camp
Is there any way to predict how homesick my son will be?
The most accurate indicator of how your son will fare at camp is your child’s history. If your son has spent time away from home before (sleepovers, class trips, one-week camps) and has been fine, then chances are he will be fine at camp. This is doubly true if your son is naturally optimistic and makes friends easily.
What are some of the indicators that my son might have a more significant case of homesickness?
Again, a child’s history is the best guide. If your son has been very anxious about sleepovers or class trips, needing parent support, accompaniment, or rescue, your child is more likely to have a more intense and prolonged battle with homesickness.
Are some boys more prone to homesickness than others? If so, how can I tell if my son is at greater risk of becoming severely homesick?
Yes, boys who have the following characteristics are more prone to homesickness than others:
- A negative mindset
- Weaker social skills
- Anxiety disorders
Do younger campers suffer more homesickness than older campers?
Age is not the best indicator of homesickness. Many of our youngest campers thrive at camp with almost no homesickness. The far more accurate measurement is ‘practice at being away from home’ – the fourteen year old who does not have much experience being away from home is just as likely to be homesick as the nine year old with similar experiences, and more likely to be homesick than the nine year old who has dozens of sleepover under his belt.
Does geographical distance impact the likelihood or severity of homesickness?
No, homesickness is caused by missing your loved ones and the comforts and familiarity of home, not physical distance. So it does not matter whether home is five miles or five hundred miles away, the degree of homesickness will be the same.
Proactive Parenting - Ways to Prevent or Lessen Homesickness
Is there anything I can do before camp starts to prevent or lessen my son’s homesickness?
Yes!! Here are four specific ways you can help your son:
- Believe in your son’s strength and resiliency. Your son can read you like a book, and if your facial expressions or tone of voice shows that you are worried about their time at camp, it will cause them to doubt themselves and their ability to manage their emotions without you.
- Talk to your son about homesickness, with the goal being threefold: to normalize it (EVERYONE misses home, and that’s okay), to let them know you have confidence that they can overcome it, and to give them some strategies to employ if they are feeling homesick.
- Give them opportunities to practice being away from home (e.g. sleepovers)
- Include your son in the camp prep process from beginning (researching and selecting camps) to the end (shopping and packing for camp).
I’m worried that bringing up the topic of homesickness with my son will plant the homesickness seed…am I better off just not mentioning homesickness at all?
No, you are far better off talking about homesickness, especially if you think your child might be prone to it. Michael Thompson recommends having a simple conversation that acknowledges the existence of homesickness and the likelihood that your son will experience some moments of discomfort, that demonstrates your confidence in his ability to manage those feelings, and that contextualizes these emotions (with a positive spin even!).
Here is his model conversation: “You will probably feel a bit homesick when you go to camp. Most kids do, but they get over it in time if they try hard to deal with it head-on and put some effort into coping. Feeling homesick just means that you have a home worth missing, a place where people love you. It is the most natural thing in the world to feel homesick.”
Should I tell my son I will pick him up from camp if he is unhappy?
No! Michael Thompson calls this “the parent-child bargain that never works,” and from our years of experience, we 100% agree. Thompson goes on to say this ‘rescue agreement’ is both ineffective parenting and bad psychology in that “it creates an incentive for your child to feel miserable.” In essence, the boy can only get what he wants (when you have a bad case of homesickness, you don’t want to feel better, you want to go home!) if he remains miserable. Thus he will actively work to avoid having fun at camp – he will choose to disengage from activities and relationships that would otherwise bring him joy, success, and connection…the very things that would lessen his homesickness.
Instead, Thompson suggests saying, “We think you are going to be able to conquer your homesick feelings and make a go of it at camp,” which gives your child confidence and a goal to match or exceed your expectations for him.
The Parent-Camp Partnership - How to Help Boys Manage and Overcome Their Homesickness
Will Kingswood notify me if my son is suffering from a significant case of homesickness?
Yes, if your son is struggling making the adjustment to camp, we will let you know and give you updates as he progresses. Sometimes just knowing that we are communicating with parents makes boys feel more at ease.
Do homesick children ever call home?
Some homesick campers become fixated on calling home; they believe that if their parents really know how they feel, they will come to camp and pick them up. In these situations, the directors will communicate with you and help prepare you for the call. We will work together to develop a script so that your son feels heard and receives empathy, but also understands that you have confidence in him that he can overcome his homesickness and have a great time at camp.
I just received a very tearful letter from my son; what should I do?
While a tearful letter from your son can be incredibly difficult to read and can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, and anguish, our first piece of advice is to take a moment to put the letter in perspective (especially if the letter was written within the boy’s first 48 hours on the property). Homesickness is a natural and unavoidable element of your son’s journey towards independence. Be brave and have faith in your son’s strength and resiliency.
Also know that letter writing occurs when campers have down time – which also happens to be the moments when homesickness is most prevalent. So while the emotions he proclaims in the letter are absolutely true, they might only be true for that one moment in time — please do not jump to the conclusion that this letter is evidence that your son is miserable all day, every day (even if he says so in the letter!).
There is also a letter lag — in the three or so days it took for the letter to make its way home, things almost always have changed significantly, and for the better! In fact, if you have not heard from us, this is most likely an isolated event – if your son is suffering from significant homesickness, we will let you know. All the same, if you receive a tearful letter, please reach out to us so we can set up a time to talk and share our observations and experiences from camp.
What will my son’s counselors do to help my son manage and overcome his homesickness?
The two best antidotes for homesickness are friendships and recognition. As soon as a boy feels as though he is a part of the group and community, his homesickness begins to fade away. To that end, counselors work to create a welcoming environment where there are plenty of opportunities for friendships to flourish. Furthermore, it is essential for homesick campers to stay active and engaged in the program. This is true for two reasons: First, if a boy is not participating in camp activities, it gives his mind time to wander, and it will inevitably drift towards thoughts of home; Second, if a boy is not participating, he is missing out on chances to make connections and to find success. And that success feels good both in the moment, but also later when he gets recognition for his skill and efforts.
Additionally, counselors’ primary role at camp is to be a source of support and guidance for campers. If a boy is having a bout of homesickness, counselors will make time to talk one-on-one. The length of these conversations will vary – often one long conversation followed by several short check-ins. Counselors want to make sure the campers feel heard and understood, but they also want to help them develop strategies to manage their feelings.
Furthermore, we regularly meet as a staff to discuss homesick cases; if your son is homesick, his counselors will notify the rest of the staff so that everyone who interacts with him will be aware and can use the same strategies to help him overcome his homesickness.
